Bell's Palsy // Embracing Insecurities

When I was about two years old my family went on a vacation to the beach to visit my grandparents. It was one of my first trips to the beach and I was just barely old enough to toddle around in the water. My grandparents noticed that I could do all kinds of cute and adorable little girl things.

My grandfather was all excited that I knew how to wink! It was fun for a little bit but then my family noticed that I just kept winking and my face started to not look right- The entire right side of my face was droopy! My eye lids drooped looking like I was winking, but my cheek didn't react when I made facial expressions and the right side of my mouth hung open.

I do not remember any of this because I was such a baby, but I can only imagine how scary it is to see a little one who cannot talk and tell you what is going on be sick!

I went to the hospital and they did a MRI of my brain to rule out big scary things like a brain tumor, but everything looked ok. Except my face was droopy!

It turns out I had idiopathic facial paralysis or Bell's Palsy. Bell's Palsy is a condition that causes weakness or paralysis of the facial nerve on one side. It might have been caused by a virus I had that affected the nerve, but usually it is just spontaneous.

Over time my face has gotten better, but because the damage to the nerve in my face was so severe I have not fully recovered and still have Bell's Palsy today and will for the rest of my life.

I have gotten used to the way my face is uneven, but I definitely struggle with it. It is something I am hugely self-conscious about and have even come to tears over! In the past I had come up with a certain way to not smile so big so that the crookedness is not as noticeable or would wear sunglasses so you can't see my uneven eye and eyebrow in pictures. Most people don't notice it right away unless I point it out. If I am really tired or stressed then it is more noticeable on my resting face.

Some instances where people pointed it out are burned in my memory. In the 3rd grade I was a junior bride's maid at my cousin's wedding and the photographer told me to stop making "that face" and kept telling me to relax my face and "not look so sad- it's a wedding!" I remember friends in middle school asking me why I always wink when I laugh. A guest teacher I had once for a ballet class, who was not used to how I look, kept asking me if I was alright during class or asking if I was going to start crying!

I would like to think all of these incidents can be attributed to curiosity or concern for my well-being, but they sure did sting. Usually if I throw around super medical sounding names for facial nerves people shut up, but I am learning that some people will comment on my face. It will happen. I am also learning that it doesn't matter. It is just how my face is. If people can't get past it or make fun of me for it then they are not the people I would want close to me anyways.

What matters is how I react to what people say about my face and more importantly how I talk to myself about my face. I cannot control how my face looks. There is not an exercise or something to do to change my nerve structure. You cannot control what other people are going to say or think or do, but you can control how you react.

I've done silly things like write affirmations on my bathroom mirror to look at while I'm putting on my make-up. I've *tried* to stop editing and critiquing fun Instagram or Facebook pictures so much and just post them! I'm not saying everything is solved or I no longer feel self-conscious about my face, but I'm learning.

Part of the lessons I have learned is to be more careful with my own language and thoughts about the appearance of others. Whether it is about their clothes or body-type or face, I try to not say things that would call attention to their looks. I know how sometimes you don't have control over them and that how you look is really not how you would like to be defined or noticed.

So next time you are talking to others OR yourself be careful with your langue and kind to one another. EveryBODY (or face ;) ) is beautiful.

Classic 90's Sear's portrait studio baby picture. My uneven smile is really noticeable in this pose, but look at me holding that rose like the little pro baby model that I was!

A couple years ago I would not have posted this picture because my eyes and eyebrow get extremely noticeably uneven when I laugh. BUT LOOK AT THE JOY IN THIS PICTURE! The picture isn't about my face being symmetrical and neither am I! This picture is from mother's day and about family!